Words that Kill
by Biene
Summary: Watching JJ, the woman you love, say "I do" to another man kills you.


A/N: This is for all the people who still think Reid and JJ belong together! Writing this was a bit therapeutic, because I'm going through a similar situation right now...

Enough, happy reading!

...

Spencer Reid had rarely felt that tempted to drink himself into stupefaction. These days had just been to much... The bank robbers / murderers / lunatics... Will getting kidnapped... Henry endangered... Almost getting blown up... But that wasn't the worst if he was honest. That was JJ announcing she and Will would get married. Spencer had long suspected things were heading this way, having it confirmed though hurt like hell. He'd loved her for so long now, almost since the first time he'd laid eyes on her.

His hopes of her ever returning his feelings had never been high and he'd never begrudge her any happiness. Still, where did that leave him? Aching, longing for something he could and would never have. Only his mind tormenting him with pictures of what might have been... His genius brain had accepted the fact she was happy with Will and that he had to let her go, whereas his heart refused to. It had clinged to the small fraction of hope that they would not last. It wasn't nice, it was selfish, he knew, but he couldn't help it. And who would blame him? She was so sexy, so smart, so funny, so caring...

Tomorrow evening he'd have to attend the wedding, acting happy for the couple on the outside while everything inside him would scream „No, this is wrong!". He'd have to watch her marry another man, promising her life to him, pledging love to him... Then he'd have to be strong. Right now he could allow himself to break apart. He entered his apartment and flopped down on the couch. The tears he'd been able to suppress up until now watered his eyes. He saw no sense in holding them back any longer. Soon they streamed down his face, leaving a wet, salty sensation. Instinctively he curled up tight while he cried silently, his pain too great to be voiced. It felt like his heart was ripped to shreds. He didn't blame her for it, wasn't angry at her, how could he be? She'd never encouraged or misled him when it came to her feelings - which were only friendly.

Over the time he'd considered leaving more than once and had decided he just couldn't do it. Even her friendship was better than not seeing her at all. He could imagine his life without her in it.

He cried himself to exhaustion until he had no tears left and fell asleep. But even in his dreams she didn't leave him alone. She was smiling at him, teasing him and he felt his love enveloping him. All too soon he woke up again, his still tear-streaked face reminding him of what he'd have to witness today. Slowly, unwillingly he forced himself to get up and shuffled to the bathroom. He didn't bothered to look into the mirror, he already knew he looked horrible. First he splashed water into his face - as cold as possible. Then he stripped down to take a much needed shower. All the while he tried to prepare himself for JJ's wedding.

Of course he wasn't. When she walked down the aisle looking so beautiful in her wedding-dress to her soon-to-be husband it pained him more than he could've imagined. Nonetheless he didn't miss the joy on her face or the way she clinged to Will after the ceremony and that was the only thing helping him get through watching her saying the words that bound her to Will. Every single one pierced his heart like a dagger, inflicting damage beyond repair.

Reid even managed to put a smile on his face and didn't choke when he congratulated the happy newly-weds. This evening though he gave in to the desire to drink. Not enough to be drunk, he wasn't the type to do that, only enough to numb the pain a bit - at least for the time being. In the long run he'd have to face it and deal with it, but he preferred to do that in private.

After a while he wasn't able to stand it anymore. He'd fooled everyone, had put on a smile so wide that his jaw was hurting and now it was enough. So he said his good-byes and turned his back to all the cheery people. Even if someday he might be that cheery again, today it felt like he was dead.

...

A/N: now, how did you like it? Darker than my usual stuff... Please leave me a review!


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